Just had my weigh in for the first week of the 10 in 10 challenge, and I lost .9! It’s 100 grams short, fair enough, but I’m really happy with it, and it really motivates me to do more: more exercise, more tracking, more planning…just more.

Got my blood taken today, whic puts me off exercise for a little while at least, and then I’ll go back to it. Am feeling a little bit drained right now, so may have a small nap until lunch (about 12:30), and then get back into it.

But first, current stats:

Current Stats
Current Weight: 93.1
Loss/Gain This Week: -0.9
Total Loss: 7.2

Christmas Challenge
Weeks To Christmas: 16
Amount To Lose: 13.2

10 in 10 Challenge
Starting Weight: 94.0
Goal Weight: 84.0
Amount To Lose: 9.1

100 Push Up Challenge
Level: Week Two, Day One.
Push Ups Day 1: 21

Posted at 9:13 pm | No Comments »

So it’s 11:28 and all I’ve done thus far is eat breakfast, go to the gym and do my 100 push up challenge, but I do feel great. Breakfast this morning was cornflakes, since college for some reason seems to have stopped serving weetbix…why I’ve no idea.Then I hit the gym with Bridget, one of my charming neighbours. We decided on a half hour but general competitiveness and the need to push ourselves made it about 40 minutes. Once we got home, we completed our daily push up challenge. Bridget is on her first day and did 56 push ups in total, which would be humbling if I weren’t enjoying the challenge so much. I’m up to Day 3 of week one, which means week two is going to take place in about 2 days, hurrah!

Plan for today includes: go buy textbook, then go to local shopping centre and make necessary purchases (i.e. white out), and finally come home in order to do all the readings I haven’t done yet. And french. And accounting.

It just feels so good to feel so…good.

100 Push Up Challenge
Level: Week One, Day Three.
Push Ups Day 3: 28

Posted at 9:34 pm | No Comments »

So following a thread in the forums, I’m going to write a list of everything single thing I can come up with:

Things I Love About Myself

• My sense of fair play
• My ability to have a joke
• My hair. (Because it’s nice and fine and always soft.)
• My eye colour. (Blue)
• My skin (because it’s nice to me and is very rarely splotchy.)
• The fact that even at my largest, I had a waist.
• The way I try to see the best in people.
• My loyalty.
• My breasts (*Ahem.* A little revealing, but true.)
• Three dark freckles on my collarbone that remind me of Orion’s belt.
• My passion
• My dedication.
• My skill with make up.

…That’s all I can think of for now. But it’s enough to feel good.

Today I didn’t get up for breakfast, and I’ve realised how much harder it is to get each of my goals (Vegetables, Calcium, etc). And it made me realise how much my focus has changed. Yes, I still really, really care about losing weight (obviously), but more than that, I’ve broken my day down into little itty bits: have I had enough calcium? Vegetables? Water? Am I under my points? And so I can take it day by day and honestly believe at the end that I’ll lose weight. Ka-ching.

Posted at 2:56 am | No Comments »

Work work work work work. Why is university so time consuming? Just a short post today to update.

Have been very good since Thursday. Completely on track. I went out and bought the things I need, i.e. Yoghurt, fruit, etc, in order to keep my snacks on track. I also revised my points and I’m on 23, rather than 25 like I thought. (I suspect it’s the more sedentary lifestyle, now that I’m not on my feet 12 hours a day at work). I’m strictly keeping under it and recording everything I eat. Granted, I did eat a Krispy Kreme doughnut last night, but I’m not going to apologise for it, because a) I stopped at one when there was a whole box, and b) I’ve factored it into my points for the next two days to make up for it.

I’m also managing to make 5 veges a day for the past two days, as well as my recommended 3 serves of calcium and at least 6 glasses of water. I’m feeling very holistic and totally back on track.

Also, today is day 2 of the 100 Push Up Challenge. I’m still sore from Day 1 (which tells a lot about my shameful upper body strength or-lack-thereof.), so I only managed to make the required amount. Still, I’m proud. I never thought I’d be able to do more than…actually any push ups. Hurrah me!

Now, I’m just waiting for this damnable cold to clear up before I go back to the gym and I become the Perfect Weight Loss Story. 1 kilo this week, remember?

100 Push Up Challenge
Level: Week One, Day Two.
Push Ups Day 2: 15

Posted at 10:32 pm | No Comments »

Although it seems quite obvious, I am just now beginning to really understand what a mind game weight loss actually is. The ups and downs can be so hard or so easy to take, depending on your mood. I think this has come to me as a follow on from my last post, but…the knowledge that actually, I am the one in control, the one who has the power over it all, is just wonderful. All too often, other people run my life. My timetable belongs to others, I work for others, I write my assignments to be graded by others… but this ‘journey’ (so cliche, p.s.) belongs to me entirely. So I need to take ownership entirely. If I have a bad night, I need to take control and own it. I go over what I should eat — own in. I go under — own it. My body and my weight are some of the only things I can ever own completely. It’s mine.

Have signed up for (yet) another challenge. Am still involved in the Christmas Challenge, although my lack of weigh-ins did sort of short-stop it. This current challenge is ambitious, but with so many girls doing it, it’s also very exciting. It’s called 10 in 10, and obviously the aim is to lose 10 kilos in 10 weeks, which I would love to do. Have signed up with my current weight (Weigh In this morning) and will hopefully make the gym tonight!

In addition, I have started a personal challenge through this website: One Hundred Push Ups. Granted, I am up to Week 1, Day 1 (which was yesterday. Day 2 is tomorrow), and I am at the lowest level (that being 2 push ups and then a break), and not even doing full push ups — I’m doing the knee ones. But even today, I can feel that slight ache in my muscles which says that I’m doing something right. And it’s so convenient because I can take this challenge anywhere. I just clear a space on my floor and start. I’m really excited about it, because I’d love to be able to just drop and give a person 100 push ups whenever I want to. How cool would that be?

I particularly like that challenge because it’s so specific and it’s not weight-loss orientated. There’s only 1 thing that comes into it — do I do it or not? Weight loss has so many factors — what did I eat, what exercise did I do, what time in my cycle is it, how much water have I had, when did I eat last night… on and on. But this is direct. And I like the fact that I’m slowly learning to enjoy exercise, to appreciate something I used to loathe, and to understand how wonderful it feels just getting a kick out of something so real-life.

So, (ever expanding) stats:

Current Stats
Current Weight: 94.0
Loss/Gain This Week: -0.5
Total Loss: 6.3

Christmas Challenge
Weeks To Christmas: 17
Amount To Lose: 14.1

10 in 10 Challenge
Starting Weight: 94.0
Goal Weight: 84.0

100 Push Up Challenge
Level: Week One, Day One.
Push Ups Day 1: 13

Posted at 9:14 pm | No Comments »

Have just bought (and read — it was that good) The Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl by Shauna of DietGirl fame. It’s a fantastic read, evidenced by the fact that I kept my Mum waiting unnecessarily in the slightly brisk winter cold while I finished it, rather than picking her up on time. I devoured the words like they were KFC chips, points and scenes hitting home like it was my life she was talking about, rather than her own. ‘Yes!’ I wanted to cry, “I do do that! They did say that! I do think that!”. And I thought about how good it would be to be able to look back and see how far I’ve come, to be able to read the past entries. So I’m going to try to post in here more often, to look back on. And I figured that the best way to start this new philosophy is to figure out where the issue came from.

Background

I was always a fat child. Other obese people, they were healthy and then the weight just ’snuck up on them’, like they turned around one day and it was in the mirror. Not so me. From the get-go, I was large. As far back as I can remember, I’ve felt uncomfortable in my skin. I’ve compared myself with the other children, other people and felt inferior to them. I don’t remember the times before school started, but I do remember year one, when I weighed in at a long-forgotten number of kilos (it is written somewhere), and I remember being the second heaviest in the class. I remember it being public information; ergo, public shame.

And I just kept on growing. My mother became concerned about my weight long before I did. I distinctly remember in Grade 7 or 8, standing by the back doors of our house. We were staring out into the garden beyond, peering through the panes of glass, and Mum, hesitantly, kindly, said, “I think we should do something about your weight.”

I felt the pangs of shame I normally pushed down, but too came anger. It was the we that got me, the idea that the problem was so bad it couldn’t be done alone. The idea that Mum was so ashamed of my weight that she had to help me change it. I vaguely remember shrugging, feeling so horribly uncomfortable in my skin that even that action didn’t feel right.

A few years later, I remember sitting in the car with my Mum, aftere dropping my brother off to school. She looked at me for a few seconds longer than normal, then, “Your hair looks lovely today.”

I smiled, shrugged. “It’s okay.”

Hesistant, again, “You know, you’d be really gorgeous if you lost a little weight.”

All my defenses crashed back down. To be honest, I think they’ve stayed there since.

By no means am I blaming it on my mother. Not at all. The fact is that what it comes down to is that I was a fat kid, and the long and short of it was that I was lazy. I grew up trying all sorts of sports, but I had no real talent for them and I was too lazy to work at them. I hated being in the sun, I hated being sweaty, I hated feeling inferior to the people who did it well, and I hated the feeling that I let my team down because I was so fat. I avoided sport during school like it was the plague.

Because I was so large, I never really socialised, and when I did it was an exercise in humiliation. Part of the issue was that in my mind, the outside didn’t match the inside. I went to a social in Grade 9, and one of the girls (horribly skinny: was one of those people who could eat anything — literally anything and not gain a pound) said she’d find someone to dance with. The entire time I had No no no no no no no racing through my head, violent hopes of finding a nice boy to talk to and dance with who would see the princess beyond that fat… the guy she brought was as large as, if not larger than, me. He was also significantly shorter, and not really all that attractive.  We didn’t dance. We both felt awkward and just shuffled away, because we’d both just been told that that was all we were worth.

That started the routine for going out. People can be cruel. I’ve had people betting within hearing distance, daring each other to go to talk to ‘That Fat One’, thinking they’re hilarious. I’ve had people talk to me because I’m with prety friends, some because they think I’m easy. There’s a reason Fat Girls don’t go out. You constantly walk the Tightrope of Sociability. You have to be nice, but not too nice or earnest, a tiny bit flirty but not too overt (they will think you’re a slut, and they will comment on it), and reserved (but not so much so that they think you’re a bitch). If you get the right balance, then they’ll talk to you, laugh with you, flirt with you — and go home with your friend.

Because a lot of the time, people forget that you’re actually human. Like when boys call out names to me when I’m walking down the street. When a guy at the bar grabs my arm and squeezes it as I walk by — to feel how fat it is. All of it adds up, and it becomes very easy to think that that is all you’re worth.

Some people talk about a lightbulb moment, a time when it just clicked and they found the motivation. I’ve never had one. I’ve had moments of revulsion — a couple of pictures from a certain album, for instance. (Although they came after I decided to take action.) What came instead is the slow, creeping horror at the thought that my life will always be like this. Because I refuse to let this be who I am for the rest of my life. Instead came the very slow realisation that the only thing that can stop me from getting larger, can stop me from staying this way forever — is myself. So now I have to. Otherwise, there’s no one else to blame but me. I’m the one who has made myself this way. I’m the one who has put myself in this position. And I just won’t accept that.

Posted at 9:10 am | No Comments »

I have this friend on facebook. We aren’t really friends in real life — we know each other, we used to exist in each other’s prescence, her friends were my friends…but we were never close. And she used to be almost as large as me. She used to have very little prospect in terms of jobs, and she’d moved back home and just never done anything.

But now something has changed. Suddenly, there are all these photos of her up on facebook. She’s been on a Contiki tour around Europe. Not only that, but she looks great. And so for some reason, every time I see new photos of her up, I have an uncontrollable urge to look at them. I’m facebook stalking. Worse, I’m fat stalking.

Questions constantly run through my mind: How did she do it? Will she keep it off? I wish I looked like her. Doesn’t she look amazing? And so happy! How come she’s so happy while I’m sitting here struggling? Why is it so hard for me? Will I ever be able to look like that? Will someone ever fat-stalk my facebook page?

On and on and on. It’s ridiculous. I don’t understand it. I understand using rolemodels, but this is almost an envy-model. It’s not that I look up to her — it’s that I envy her. The difference here is that it’s almost personal.

I know that this isn’t a very pretty emotion, but it’s there. And it knaws at me because I haven’t done anything towards my goal in almost two weeks. I did get my five serves of vegetables yesterday, but then I went and helped out at a bake sale and probably ate triple the number of points I have available.

I need to grab the bull by the horns, I think, to just suck it up and do something good for me. I’ve spent so much time with my friends, etc, etc, that I just forgot my number 1 goal. And that’s not good. I’ll add a note to self, as well: Reign in the envy.

Posted at 10:05 pm | No Comments »

I kind of hate that I only post in here when I’m coming back to hitting the wagon, or when things are going well. I have no doubt that anyone reading this would see all the plans — birthday countdown, holiday countdown…but then I haven’t come through with it yet, and that kind of sucks. Particularly because it seems like these are all empty plans. They aren’t. The issue is that whenever I’m feeling crappy about it, I don’t post — a habit from the days when my friends would read anything I wrote and so I’d have to edit my feelings in order not to offend them.

I have technically fallen off the wagon, although to be fair not as badly as I’d thought. I gained 0.6 kilos this week, although I weighed myself at home rather than at a meeting. That’s not fantastic by any means, but this past (two, in fact) weeks have been hard. This week, I was optimistic, but it proved to be a little too much so; I’d forgotten it was O-Week at college, which meant big nights, little exercise and generally nothing conducive to wellbeing.

What it’s taken for me to come round is a) my being ill, and b) my getting quite drunk on Friday night, and so worried about what I’d eaten that I seriously considered trying to throw up to get rid of it. That’s shit. That’s my weight ruling my life in a completely passive-aggressive way. And that’s not good enough. My body is not well because I have been putting crap into it. This is my body’s way of telling me that if I give it shit, it will turn around and give me shit right back.

So, dear body, I am making a pact with you: You be good to me, and I’ll be good to you. If you tell me what you want, I will give it to you. No more fighting. From now on, we will be the best of friends. [And this interloper called fat will be our worst enemy. Promise?]

Current Stats
Current Weight: 94.5
Loss/Gain This Week: +0.6
Total Loss: 5.8

Christmas Challenge
Weeks To Christmas: 19
Amount To Lose: 14.6

Posted at 9:26 pm | No Comments »

Am officially back at college, though not officially moved back in, because I am terrible at packing and unpacking. I’ve already stocked my fridge with soups and fruit and water, and am trying to manage the food here at college.

It’s tricky because we get no choice, and when I’m eating I’m surrounded by friends who are with me for every meal. If one friend comments on my eating behaviour, I will have a group of them checking it out for the next week, and comments like, “Aren’t you hungry? You didn’t eat that much the other day, either. Are you feeling okay? Why don’t you have a sandwich or something, too?” Their concern over my wellbeing is sweet, but also slightly destructive, because it means that I never want to arouse suspicion of what I’m eating. It’s not like I’m not eating, it’s just that none of them know what I’m doing and I’d rather keep it that way. College is great in a lot of ways; in a lot of other ways, you never really know if you’re going to be supported, because there are so many people in so many situations with so many insecurities. And I’m quite private, I’d rather people not know what I’m trying to do.

I haven’t had my weigh in for last week, because I was in the process of driving down to Sydney. And I’m kind of glad that I haven’t; this week was bad. It involved huge amounts of take-away and the people I was staying with only drank full-fat milk, etc. So I’m hoping this week I can be very, very good and get rid of that fat that I put on, and more. Fingers crossed, eh?

Posted at 8:53 pm | No Comments »