Okay, so. I understand that being overweight, being fat, is not healthy. I get that. But what I don’t understand, what make me angry, is incidents like these ones. Since when did being fat mean that you were also not human? And on a small scale, why is fat automatically unattractive?

Let me flip this: A person who is skinny is not necessarily, not automatically, attractive. There can be all sorts of things wrong with them; bad skin, bad hair, bad teeth, bad bone structure, no physique, perhaps they’re too skinny. But a person who is fat is automatically unattractive? How does that work? Maybe we aren’t healthy, sure, and there’s excess bits and bits the jiggle — and that can be offputting, but what about those other things? You can discount a person as attractive because they don’t have them, but you can’t count a person as attractive even if they do?

The world isn’t going to change because of one itsy post by a random fat girl on the internet. I know that. But I had to get that out, because it makes me almost angry when I get people — boys, even — who ask me why I have such bad self-esteem. Why girls are so concerned about their appearance and so obsessed about not gaining weight. And then they turn around a comment on a girl who is possibly even lighter than me. This is why. Society tells us that I am ugly.

Skinny is not necessarily attractive, people. And fat — it’s not necessarily ugly. Instead of looking critically at everyone, try to find the good points. They are there.

Posted at 9:13 am | No Comments »

Things I have learnt about myself: 1) contrary to previous belief, I am not ‘naturally talented’ in the kitchen, and can stuff up even the most simple of recipes, and 2) people are starting to notice the weight loss.

Number 1 refers to my attempt to create a low-fat caramel slice. I worked it out in the online tracker and it’s only 2 points a slice, which isn’t too shabby, really. So I set about getting the ingredients and trying to make it. Now, either the recipe lied or the low fat condensed milk (blasphemy, don’t you think?) changes the cooking times, because I’m not sure it’ll work out too well. I’m not certain yet, because I’m still waiting for it to cool to room temperature and then I’ll add chocolate and we’ll see the damage.

Number 2 refers to an e-mail from a friend: Hey bella.  Normally I am completely oblivious to weight changes - always have been.  I only notice my own from how my clothes fit.  But I must say, you are looking particularly smokin’ hot in the photos recently added on Facebook. ;)  Was looking at some Ball and Conception Day photos, and you look healthy and gorgeous.  I think I might have to follow your good example and get to some gym classes!

Posted at 12:54 am | No Comments »

Had a mild bout of food poisoning last night — no idea what from, though. Went to my meeting today and then came home, ate some Weetbix, and am now writing this. My mind wants some of the pie left over in the fridge…my body isn’t hearing of it. I feel quite ill everytime I think about eating anything else, and I’m exhausted from not much sleep, so I suspect that I’ll have a nap once this is written and see how I feel when I wake up.

So, weigh in today:

Current Stats
Current Weight: 91.0
Loss/Gain This Week: -1.8
Total Loss: 9.3

Christmas Challenge
Weeks To Christmas: 12
Amount To Lose: 11.1

10 in 10 Challenge
Starting Weight: 94.0
Goal Weight: 84.0
Amount To Lose: 7.0

Posted at 7:47 pm | No Comments »

Am wonderful today. Finally got the motivation I need in the form of some information regarding points and group exercise: 10 points for a class like BodyJam or Boxercise. 10 points. Here I was the entire time, thinking that these classes would be a nice sort of break if I got tired but they wouldn’t really be on the same level as solitary workouts…but that’s basically double what I can do on my own in an hour. And it’s more fun!

So I hit up the Body Jam class and loved it. Loved the instructor, loved the work out, loved everything. I left feeling exhausted but not in a bad way. And then I came back to my room and got back on my ‘100 Push Up Challenge’ horse. The poor thing got neglected for a while, but luckily, I was able to complete Week 3, Day 1. Hurrah!

Now all I have to do is finish my damnable University work before I leave for home on Thursday morning, bright and very early.

100 Push Up Challenge
Level: Week Three, Day One.
Push Ups Day 2: 50!

Posted at 4:59 am | No Comments »

There’s something I always find vaguely unsettling about photos, and I’m sure that many people in my position feel it too. When I look at a photo, the outside never seems to match the inside. Inside, I’m this wonderful, attractive, bubbly and warm person — outside, I’m mostly just flabby and pale. Particularly in my face.

This dissonance is really hard to handle a lot of the time. Often it’s that which snaps us into doing something. But it’s that much harder to handle when you see a picture of yourself that you hate, and other people tell you how good you look. Because the next thought it “What do I look like most of the time?” And the answer is never encouraging.

I’m going to make a generalisation here, but I find that it’s usually my female friends who talk about how gorgeous we all look. Men, not so much. And I think the reason is this: To women, “gorgeous,” “beautiful,” “pretty,” is all as compared to what you normally look like. If you dress up nice, “Don’t you look wonderful!” And we preen and feel like we look just like them for a while and everything is just fine. But to men, all those words are usually in comparison to other women. “She’s gorgeous” they’ll say, and they’ll mean it — objectively. While women mean it subjectively — subjective to what you normally look like.

This is why, I think, for a long time I believed that I wasn’t beautiful at all. I was unattractive: full stop, end of story. The only people who complimented me were women, because they subjectively saw my beauty. But then I started looking for things I like about myself, and I saw someone with a good bone structure, with a nice body shape, with lovely skin and pretty eyes. And I realised that the only thing stopping the objective beauty was how much excess weight I carried.

So now when I see a picture that I hate but that others decree is gorgeous, I don’t get all defensive and feel like shit for days — I smile and thank them. Because my friends are seeing my beauty long before I really see it, and long before it becomes ‘objective’. Particularly as these girls notice my changes along the way.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is: Accept the compliment, don’t think about what you think of the person behind it (yourself). It is tough, and sometimes I do get frustrated, because I know that objectively, I’m not attractive. But I’m also learning that, as a person, I am subjectively wonderful — and one day, those two worlds will collide.

Posted at 8:52 pm | No Comments »

Been gone for a while: Hectic time at college/uni, with way too much socialising and far too much work to do. Didn’t weigh in this week, and last week was a gain, although it was mostly due to alcohol, I suspect. I’m eager to weigh in this week — am hoping that the work I’ll do (in terms of exercise) will help the absolute overindulgence that was Conception day.

So, other things news? Superficial though it may seem to mention, I’ve swapped to Burgen bread, and I am not regretting it. I have a slice for breakfast with eggs, and it’s wonderful because I have so much more energy afterwards, and it lasts so much longer. Got to love that low GI…

Am currently on holidays, which removes much of the previous eating pressures: a) I don’t eat because I’m stressed, b) When I’m at college, there’s no one else around to comment on my eating (”Oh, just have one piece, it’s soooo good…”) because they’ve all gone home and c) Soon I will go home and be able to eat anything I want. Wonderful. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to just go on a health kick — lose x amount of weight and (fingers crossed) get under 90 by the time I’m back at college. That would just feel fantastic.

I wonder what x amount of weight is, anyway? I think it’s currently around 2.8 kilos — last time I weighed in I gained .8, so it must be. Regardless, it’s a challenge that I’ve set and I’m going to see what I can do.

Posted at 8:38 pm | No Comments »

Just a quick post regarding new stats. Hopefully will have a better post later tonight, (with details of daily exercise included…)

Current Stats
Current Weight: 91.9
Loss/Gain This Week: -1.2
Total Loss: 8.4

Christmas Challenge
Weeks To Christmas: 15
Amount To Lose: 12.0

10 in 10 Challenge
Starting Weight: 94.0
Goal Weight: 84.0
Amount To Lose: 7.9

Posted at 8:40 pm | No Comments »

Wanted to post yesterday but I think the servers were down. Am still (almost) on track for the 10 in 10 challenge…had an unfortunate incident with some white chocolate cheesecake (though did manage to convince friends that no, I didn’t want a second/third/fourth piece and yes, I had had enough with just one), but am tracking it and all should be fine. Hopefully.

Went to the gym yesterday and did 20 minutes on the treadmill, 20 on the stair climber, and 6 on the rowing machine. (Ran out of time.) Also had day push up challenge — was quite proud. Today I’ve had to work on an assignment and an exam and catch up with homework, so nothing done. Hope to go tomorrow around four…we’ll see.

100 Push Up Challenge
Level: Week Two, Day Two.
Push Ups Day 1: 42

Posted at 4:38 am | No Comments »