I think that, come tomorrow, I will be officially settled enough to get back on track — properly. I’m still sick, but at least now I can bound up the stairs rather than drag myself up them, and the breathing thing does seem to be happening a little easier. I’m still tired but that should hopefully be fixed by going to bed early — again.

And I’m tired of excuses. You know you’ve gone on too long with them when you’re the one who is tired. There’s this saying “Excuses are lies you tell yourself.” Which is cool. Although I like to think illness is a reasonably valid one, particularly since I’m a bit of a wimp when I’m sick. And now I’m set; I have a place to live, I have groceries, I know my area reasonably well. Tomorrow (around noon) I will buy a scarf to wear when running. And perhaps a long-sleeved shirt or three. This exercise thing is important and it’s important to me to get on top of it.

So I’m hitting the sack in about 15 minutes. Even though that means I’ll have spent a large portion of my day sleeping. (In fact, I was awake from 8am to 2pm, then again from 6:30 to now. So about 9 hours, which just seems a little sad.) I do feel a little better, though. And tomorrow morning, just after dawn (which sounds so much more committed that ‘around 9:30am’), I’ll go for a run. A nice run. A polite one, which is not too hard. And all will be well.

Posted at 8:03 am | No Comments »

I’ve been dreaming about High School. (Again.) This happens semi-regularly, but it annoys me. High School was alternatively utter bliss and pure crap. It was long bouts of feeling awkward in class and having the absolute certainty that I didn’t fit in, knowing that the people around me were just tolerating me, and feeling like the annoying outsider whenever I tried to join in. (Of course, at the same time, I had an amazing group of friends, but when we did different subjects I was stranded.) I remember feeling bewildered and unsure and, yeah, fat. I felt ugly and completely socially incompetant.

So these dreams I have semi-regularly tend to randomly include boys I used to know/like, people who made me feel awkward…suddenly being my friends. It’s a wierd interaction (obviously — I’m dreaming), but my dreams never have that feeling of self-consciousness.

I wish I was over this feeling. I’m 4 years out of high school and I still feel like this. I still go to events (like the Ceilidh and I need to push myself to dance, because I’m always worried that my partner is thinking “Oh no, I don’t want the fat one.”

I need to lose this weight, because I know it’s a big part of it. But more than that, I want the confidence of losing weight — the knowledge that I can do it to be there. I want the confidence of liking who I am to go through everyday life and to throw myself into it. I need to do this. I just…didn’t realise how much.

Posted at 1:09 am | No Comments »

50 posts! That’s 50 times I have made a conscious decision to record, to make myself accountable, to distract myself and to mentally ready myself to lose weight. It feels good. Really good, actually. I’m quite proud. It should continue in the future, maybe even progress.

So today I found my local greengrocer, and got my vegies for the next week - perhaps even the next 2 - for under 8 pounds ($16). Then I hit up the butcher and got about 2 weeks worth of meat for 16 pounds ($32), and finally I went to Tesco’s and got the Other Stuff. For each thing I went to the store, walked back to my flat, and then walked to the next place. My flat is up three flights of stairs — my butt better look damned good by the end of six months!

Tonight I had sausages and mashed potatoes (or ‘Tatties’ as they call them here). The sausages were from the butcher and they were the best meat I’ve tasted in a long time. They were honestly amazing. So delicious. I’ve got 6 more in my freezer (portioned out — see I have been busy), and I know that I’m going to enjoy them. The other thing about the meat is that it’s all been portioned for me. While I don’t have scales, and I don’t know the exact weight, I can tell by looking at them that they are around the right size (steak = palm, etc.) It’s fantastic that I have a place so nearby that does good quality, good serve food. I’m really excited about it.

I’m also coming across recipies, and I kind of want to share them as I try them. I’m not sure about recipe copyright, though? Will look into it and see. There’s a great recipe for Easy Beef Wellington that I really want to try.

Life is so exciting — this whole being grown up thing can be hard, sometimes, and scary and also annoying, too. But it’s also fun, exciting, and definately makes me feel like I’m the one in control. Which is kind of cool.

(Oh yeah, and I also had Ben and Jerry’s Half Baked Ice Cream — Vanilla, and chocolate swirl ice cream with cookie dough and bits of brownie…it was goood. My special ‘Welcome to Edinburgh’ treat. After this, I think I’ll move back to the frozen yoghurt, though.)

Posted at 6:07 am | No Comments »

Three weeks into the Scottish Experience, and I’ve only just moved into my apartment. So I’m going to excuse myself for not sticking to what I wanted to do, because when you’re at the mercy of a) the student cafeteria or b) someone else’s cooking, there’s just not much that can be done to improve the situation.

However, I have just moved into my flat. Mine. I feel so grown up. I’ve never lived on my own, never taken care of things that are important and everyday things. And doing it now makes me feel more responsible. So, this is what I’m planning to buy tomorrow at the Supermarket, to be able to get me through the first week or so, but also to set me up for Cooking For Myself (a big step).

• Tinned tomatoes
• Basil
• Olive oil/spray
• Tinned tuna
• Pineapple juice
• Carrots
• Eggs
• Rye bread
• Tomatoes
• Spinach
• Low-fat ricotta
• Pizza bases
• Low fat cheddar (grated)
• Salt
• Tea
• Coffee
• Sugar
• Garlic
• Sausages
• Bacon
• Bananas
• Green beans
• Puff Pastry
• Tomato paste
• Ben and Jerry’s Half Baked Ice Cream

I’ve been eating lots of crap, yes, but I’ve also been walking a lot and doing a lot of exercise. On Saturday I went to a Ceilidh, which is a sort of Scottish folk dance. It was amazing — so much fun, but my legs have been sore for days. I love that I walk more here, it feels fantastic. And I’m involved in a run soon!

I’m kind of sick, but I’m hoping that I can fix that soon. It’s not too bad now but I think I should coddle myself for a few days. I’d rather do that than ignore it, because it’s much harder to get out and eat well and do exercise when it feels too hard to get out of bed.

Posted at 5:48 am | No Comments »

England! The land of (huge amounts of) tea, food that is baked, boiled, and imported, and incredibly cold, cold weather. And for some reason, I love it.

I flew in yesterday morning at 6am. I was lucky in that I got about 6 hours of sleep at the end of my last of 3 flights. It was enough to push me into being awake for the day, although I did end up going to bed quite early indeed.

My sister picked me up and at about 3pm, in an attempt to stave off the need to sleep, we decided to make pasta. My sister is an absolute inspiration; a whiz in the kitchen who just kind of wings it and manages to make it good. A very large amount of what she makes is homemade, simply because she likes the taste and because it’s cheaper. So we made Ravioli from scratch. It’s very easy, although time consuming to use the pasta-stretcher. But it does taste fantastic.

So we had ravioli filled with spinach and (full-fat) ricotta, since that’s what was in the cupboard. As a sauce, we took a can of tomatoes and mixed in some capsicum, mushrooms and zucchini and let it simmer for a while. Maybe one day I’ll take a picture and do some recipes, because it was delicious and felt so light.

Then today she and I went for a run. I started the C25k week 3, Day 2, but it just didn’t work. My body isn’t used to the cold, and my lungs just couldn’t deal with the knife-edge of the frost. So I think i’m going to drop back to week 2 and hopefully build up again. It’s frustrating and it felt almost like I was being betrayed by my body — but I’m still determined. And it feels so good when it works.

I’m really quite excited about being here. It’s such a change and the people I know here live so well. My sister is incredibly inspiring, so naturally healthy and it will be wonderful to embrace that. I only hope that I can continue it once I get to Scotland (tomorrow), and I’m pretty sure that I can — which is a funny but reassuring feeling.

Posted at 12:48 am | No Comments »

C25K! Week 3, Day 1 today. I was so very reluctant to go into it because I was convinced in my mind that I couldn’t do it. 3 minutes? My mind would say. You’ve never stuck to strenuous exercise for 3 minutes in your life! You get winded at 1 minute!

My alarm went of at 4:55 this morning and I lay there for 10 minutes, partly trying to go back to sleep, and partly trying to think of what the best excuse to use on my Mum would be today. I didn’t get much sleep, I thought. And I’m not going to be able to have a nap today. Really, it’s better for me to go back to sleep. That’s totally reasonable. And then my Mum bursts in. “Come on!” She says. She’s got her ‘no excuses’ voice on. It’s the one thing that will never stop fitting her. It’ll never be too big or too small. She wears it far too well. “It’s time to go! Hurry up!” I groan and roll over. Benefit of a small room: I don’t have to get out of bed to go to my clothes dresser.

The thing I always find amazing is that it takes me 7 minutes to get ready for the gym at college. I know this because I have my sleeping timed down to a T, to maximise the happy-place. But at home, regardless of how organised I am the night before, it will always take me 15 minutes to get ready. At least. Always.

So the end result is: We ran. And for the first time in my life, I ran for 3 minutes straight. I was supposed to do it twice, but that dreaded stitch happened halfway through the second time. I can outrun a stitch for 30 seconds or so, but not for a minute and a half. It just hurts. But each time I go, it takes longer for me to get it, so by the end of this week I should be able to do it.

And, I think my sentiments to my Mum at the end of the run stand true: “Mum,” I say, “I just ran for 3 minutes. I am obviously the most awesome person on earth. I mean, who else can run for three. whole. minutes?!”

She just grins at me. “Yes dear,” she says, “You’re the most awesome person on earth.”

Gosh, I love mothers.

C25K
Day 1, Week 3
Distance: 3km
Time: 23min
Average: 7:40/km

Posted at 7:42 am | No Comments »

So today I said goodbye to Weight Watchers. I kind of expected it to be some lovely farewell; I quite like my leader and she was always so nice to me. But instead it just kind of reinforced to me why I am desisting with the meetings. The meeting was a free-for-all, an ‘any topic goes’ kind of thing. So it was about challenges, and about how to overcome them, and so on.

And I just sat there thinking, “But I know this. Tell me something new. Tell me something exciting. Tell me how I can do better.” And then I realised; at the end of the day, there is nothing new. Nothing exciting. Just staying power and making sure that you follow through with what you want.

So the time of my giving money to Weight Watchers has come to an end. I will continue with the program, simply because it’s an easy way to ensure that I’m not overeating. I will continue to track. I will continue to drink water. I will continue to exercise. And I will continue to lose weight. But I think the formalised form of Weight Watchers — the women confessing to every forbidden morsel, paying $60 I can ill-afford to attend meetings which I’m not sure I’m getting much out of — I think that’s done. For now.

Maybe in the future I’ll need it again. But for now, I’m going to spread my wings and try to fly (for the most part) solo.

Posted at 5:05 pm | No Comments »