Because I know where to begin, lol. Whew. This past week has been off the rails, on the rails, horizontally skidding along the rails — you name it, it happened. Off track, yes, but not off focus. I still want to lose weight, I’m still conscious of every calorie/point/kilojoule/whatever…it just hasn’t been happening properly. I had a bit of a breakdown today and got really shitty, had a teary and then went to the gym to be angry and aggressive. And somewhere in there, I kind of figured out the issues.

The first and foremost, the catalyst for the anger today, was my brother’s visit. He’s staying with me for about two weeks (give or take) and there are family issues that are coming up. He’s 18, has had problems in the past, and has always been the ‘baby’ of the family. And since he’s been here, there have been a couple of issues arise — problems we’d thought sorted but weren’t, problems with having him on my turf when I’m so used to living alone now, the impact of his eating habits on me, even just the fact that he still gets homesick for Mum — and it’s been emotionally intense, to say the least. And draining, as a consequence. I’ve gone through cry and screaming matches and all sorts of bollocks in between. And it left me drained and angry and, as it turns out, was definately a trigger for my bad eating habits.

The other issue is that I’ve been maintaining for 2 weeks. In hindsight, maintenance is good. I’ve been in exam block and then my brother arrived, so there are reasons behind the maintenance. But I think I need a good loss right now, because my head is playing tricks on me. I’m really unsatisfied with myself right now, I feel very negative about my appearance, and I just don’t feel good about me. I think partly it’s about clothing: I’m halfway around the world, so I’m bored of my clothes (because they’re always the same!), but more than that, half of them aren’t fitting me but I don’t want to get new ones because I’m so cheap. I also have to think about what I can bring home, in terms of weight and excess baggage.

So I’m in a funk because I can’t see any recent improvement, and I was frustrated with my brother being here because I saw it as being a hindrance to what I really wanted. So I went to the gym this morning, angry and not sure why I was a little sad, too. And I bloody worked. It took me 10 minutes of veeeeerrryyy slooooooooow walking to get rid of the despondance to be able to make myself run, but then I got into it. I finished the C25K Week 6 Day 1 and did a little extra to get to 5kms, then I did some of my weight circuit: Lat Pulldowns at 25kg, Push Ups and Tricep Curls on the Power Plate, some Squats and Bicep Curls, etc. I worked the crap out of myself, but I knew when to stop, which felt good.

So it’s a start. And I managed to run 20 minutes non-stop the other day. But I do very much need to concentrate on this for myself, because otherwise I just feel…shitty. Which won’t do.

Food under the cut. (more…)

Posted at 7:46 pm | No Comments »

Today I learned something about myself: I have the flexibility of an 80 year old. Seriously, I’m not sure I can even touch my toes if I bend over, unless I bend my knees. I used to pride myself on my flexibility, but I must have been deluding myself, because I really don’t have any.

I did a Body Balance class today and I am appalled at my flexibility. Really appalled. I think part of the reason is because I haven’t been to a class like Body Balance since December. I’ve been focussed on my running, on the weights, on learning to swim again instead of flexibility.

So I’ll have to add this to the list of things I need to fix.

Posted at 2:12 pm | No Comments »

83.8! Back at DLC, I never would have imagined that it could be so simple. I just eat well, only eat the stuff that I actually want — if I don’t feel like cake, I don’t bloody eat cake. My god, what a brainwave! That loss is on food alone, because I did nothing this week, due to the imminent panic about exams. So, I hit the gym again today (seems friday is my new WI day), and it felt good. I feel like I worked.

Must go, need to shower and then get back to the study thing. I’m just excited, is all.

Posted at 10:26 am | No Comments »

So, the other girls on the skinny train have got their weightloss plans up for this new challenge, so I thought it’d be a good chance to refocus and clarify.

The Goals

I want to be at 77kg by July 31st, 2009.
I want to be at goal by December 31st, 2009.
I want to be able to run 5km by July 31st, 2009.
I want to be able to run 10km by December 31st, 2009.
I want to be able to do 100 push ups.

The Map

I will track, even if it’s a bad day, even if I’m not entirely certain of the points/calories.
I will plan my food whenever I have the opportunity.
I will remain accountable using the tools available: this blog, the Weight Watchers boards, Blog to Lose, etc.
I will educate myself on food, exercise and nutrition.
I will listen to and read things that give me inspiration.
I will gift myself one day a week to focus on me, my weight, and my goals.
I will set aside 30 minutes each day to do some exercise — even if it’s just dancing like a crazy person in my room.
I will celebrate my achievements, and no longer hide what I want to do from my friends and family.
I will retain focus and ensure, to the best of my ability, that I always consider my goals when making decisions.

Posted at 10:07 pm | No Comments »

I was quite concerned about this weigh in, simply because I had no idea what my body was doing: on the one hand, I’d eat really poorly while I was away, because that’s all that was available. On the other hand — I had food poisoning.

Food poisoning won out, it seems! I weighed in today at 84.4. I am well into Virgin fat, here, people.

I also bought a dress today in a size 14. I want to wear it to my birthday in about 6 weeks. It’s too small. Bad thing. But it’s only just too small. It does up, it’s just not quite comfortable. So my goal is to get to the point where I can wear that dress comfortably by my birthday. It’s only a couple of centimetres. Only a few. I can do it. And I have the bloody dress for motivation.

I’m in it!

Posted at 5:04 pm | No Comments »

So I mentioned last week that I was planning to post about the trip to the Highlands…and this is that post!

Honestly, though, this trip was so amazing for me, in so many ways. Partly because I did things I never thought of myself doing, partly because I did things I would never have been able to do…mostly because I realised that actually, I’m growing into the person that I want to be — out going, gregarious, willing to be the first up to the plate and not caring what I look like doing it!

For example, on the first day, I walked up the hill to the William Wallace monument. And when I say hill, it was a hill. If I’d laid down, I could have rolled down it, no problems. But not only did I walk up there (there turned out to be a shuttlebus, but too bad!) I powered up the hill, reached the top first, and set the feeling for the entire trip (or the parts where I was feeling alright, anyway).

The second day, Sean and I got up at 7am and went for a run. It wasn’t a very long run — maybe 8 -10 minutes there, and again back. But what amazed me and truly made me feel fantastic was that I deliberately made the choice to get up to do extra exercise — and it was so worth it! We got to a castle and had to go up the hill (by this time I was struggling with the hill, so I walked it) to get inside, but there were no real barriers, you could climb up to the second level and pop inside, look out over the ocean. It was honestly my most rewarding experience, in part because I felt like it was just mine (and Sean’s I guess). It was also the first time I ever ran continuously anywhere, which was an awesome achievement. Granted, there was the castle exploring in the middle, but it was so much fun!

That same day, I did something I never would have been able to do — I used my new-found strength, my new lighter body, to clambour over rocks and up castle walls! If you can see the picture underneath, I climbed (yeah, me!) from up to the level of where the boy on the right is, through a secret staircase up to the level at which I took the picture. I never would have been able to get to that staircase in the past, but this time I just hoisted myself right up!

I also went cavorting on a tree swing:

As well as got dressed up in a pub with all the other girls — something I never would have previously done, as I would have been so terrified that I’d be too large to fit the costumes!

And! I went on a Jet Boat ride of Loch Ness, in a one-size-fits-all all weather suit. And it fit me! There was one girl in the group (a lovely girl but larger than me, particularly because she held it in the stomach) who the suit didn’t fit. My heart went out to her, but it did make me stop and appreciate, because I’ve been that person before…but no longer!

To finish, a picture from the jet boat of Loch Ness, right down the middle. Gorgeous, no?

Posted at 3:41 pm | No Comments »

The plan was solid. The plan was sound. The execution started off well. And then life got in the way.

The trip itself was fantastic. Absolutely amazing. And while I wanted to come home by the end of it (for reasons that will become clear in a minute), I never wanted to leave. It was absolutely amazing.

The first day was fantastic. I did have fish and chips for dinner, but it was at Oban, at a pub called the Lorne, and they had arguably the best fish and chips ever. The fish was fresh off the boat, caught that day…amazing. Then I woke up on the second day and went for a run with a friend for about 20 minutes with a small gap in between. We ran to the castle and then had a look around, and then ran back. It was awesome.

Then, come the third day…I got sick. I now think it’s food poisoning but at the time I was freaking out about it being Spanish Flu. It started off with my skin being hypersensitive to touch — like, the brush of my clothes annoyed me. Then by the night of the 3rd day, I’m pretty sure I had a fever, because I sure as hell had chills (and then possibly rigours). Went to bed early, woke up 4th morning — gone. But in its place was stomach cramps. The cramps started high up and only happened every so often, but when they did, I knew about them. By 4th night…well, lets just say I had liquid insides. This happened right through 5th day and here I am on the 6th day/back at home, still with liquid insides and resolved to go to the doctor if they don’t bloody well stop soon.

So I honestly don’t know what my WI will be like…when I eventually WI (since I do it at the gym and I ain’t goin’ there until I feel better.). Yes, I definately ate crap for the first few days — then I didn’t eat much in the last few. So who knows?

In summary, my goals and results are thus:
1) Run at least 3 days: 1/3, since I then got struck down with illness.
2) Green tea each morning: 1/5. I burnt my tongue quite severely on the first day, and on the morning of the second when I tried to drink the green tea, I just couldn’t hack the pain.
3) I will aim to drink 1L of water a day. No excuses here, I just didn’t do it much.
4) Muesli bars and oranges for snacking. Ate the muesli bars, but not the oranges. Oops.
5) Mentally brainwash self to crave vegetables. Accomplished! But most of the choices available weren’t suitable…at all. Ever. In anyway. Also, I don’t like white cream cheese sauce. And I nearly cried when I realised the vegetable pot I was drooling over in the menu was smoothered in blue cheese — I definately fall into the ‘blue cheese makes me want to vomit’ camp. Good thing I saw that before I ordered.
6) I’ll bloody well enjoy myself! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. I know there’s a lot of whining in this blog, since the bad stuff is what affected my plan…but I had a fantastic time. It was truely amazing, and when I feel better, I’ll post about what an eye-opener this trip was about my weight loss to date and what an inspiration it is about continuing…because in all honesty, I could not imagine a better trip….food poisoning excluded.

Posted at 11:55 am | No Comments »