When I was younger — about 13 - 14, I wore cargo shorts all the time. They were my constant companion. I would refuse to wear jeans or skirts or any other type of short.

Around the same time, I went into high school and it was then that I started stacking on the weight. I had always been large, but as my body size went up, I didn’t upgrade my cargo shorts. One day I realised that I’d worn through the thighs of one of my pairs of shorts — no big deal. It does happen. But then I saw a picture of myself, of the bulges where there shouldn’t be the stomach that would noticeably stick out over my thighs. I was like some sort of balloon animal, made up entirely of circles or ovals, not how I ’should be’.

I ‘discovered’ jeans and never wore shorts again. Never even considered it, not even in Summer. The thought of wearing shorts made me wince. All I could picture was my knees, the nobbles from the excess fat, the flab that sat behind the knee. So from the time I was about 14, through to the age of 21, I have been short free. I’ve barely shown my legs.

Until today. Today, with the help of some of my college friends, I went shopping and I bought 2 pairs of shorts. You can see my legs, knees and all. (You can also see how much of a clutz I truly am now — the number of bruises on my legs are ridiculous). I am a comfortable size 16, and so I decided it was time to hang up my hang ups. This year I will be all shorted out. I refuse to be ashamed of my body anymore!

I don’t know if anyone still reads this (wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t), but if you do — what are your body hang ups, and how did you (if you did?) get over them?

Posted at 3:26 am | 1 Comment »

I’ve been dreaming about High School. (Again.) This happens semi-regularly, but it annoys me. High School was alternatively utter bliss and pure crap. It was long bouts of feeling awkward in class and having the absolute certainty that I didn’t fit in, knowing that the people around me were just tolerating me, and feeling like the annoying outsider whenever I tried to join in. (Of course, at the same time, I had an amazing group of friends, but when we did different subjects I was stranded.) I remember feeling bewildered and unsure and, yeah, fat. I felt ugly and completely socially incompetant.

So these dreams I have semi-regularly tend to randomly include boys I used to know/like, people who made me feel awkward…suddenly being my friends. It’s a wierd interaction (obviously — I’m dreaming), but my dreams never have that feeling of self-consciousness.

I wish I was over this feeling. I’m 4 years out of high school and I still feel like this. I still go to events (like the Ceilidh and I need to push myself to dance, because I’m always worried that my partner is thinking “Oh no, I don’t want the fat one.”

I need to lose this weight, because I know it’s a big part of it. But more than that, I want the confidence of losing weight — the knowledge that I can do it to be there. I want the confidence of liking who I am to go through everyday life and to throw myself into it. I need to do this. I just…didn’t realise how much.

Posted at 1:09 am | No Comments »